I Don’t Want Happiness

Silence has been present in my life the last few months. Do you ever feel your life is silent at times? There are days that I feel tired, not physically, but spiritually and emotionally. I can confidently say I know what I believe in, but there are times I am still searching for something. I am wrestling with this idea of happiness. What does it mean for us to be happy? I know the song, Happy by Pharrell Williams, makes me happy. How can it not? We want to be happy. Our human nature strives to feel good in every aspect of our life. The problem I am finding is that happiness is temporary. Everything this world provides is temporary, relationships, material items, emotions etc. I am happy, but my life is still missing something and I think I always knew what it was; JOY.

Don’t Close the Door

narniaLife catches up to us. It tends to present itself unannounced and in some cases uninvited. We go through still moments in our busy life where we encounter the depth of feeling stuck in place. Our lives become a repeating routine of sleep, eat, work, school, etc. Occasionally we will experience the life changing decisions that redirect our course in life such as marriage, having a baby, buying a house, a new job. This is life right? This is the expectation we have. I believe God created this unimaginably large world for us to enjoy and take care of, but I fear we miss these opportunities without even realizing. How many doors have opened that I have unintentionally closed? Far too many. Was I too busy with this life to not notice? Did I pass them by out of fear? Or perhaps I prolong the inevitable. I realize I don’t close my doors all the way; I leave them ajar as a child would when they fear the dark.

Since I was a wee little girl, I have adored and cherished books. I live and breathe the need of digging my nose into an adventure that is written down in words. My love for movies most likely stems from this as well. My ideal day is sitting in a cafe with a coffee, close to a window, preferably a comfy chair, a good book and people that I can watch move about their day. I have no shame in spending twenty dollars drinking coffee and eating a muffin or three. Words have the capability to create something beautiful within your imagination. Ever since I have expressed and shown this desire and love for books and writing I have been told, “so when are you going to write a book?” I continually laugh it off because the idea of creating something my own is honestly terrifying. I don’t enjoy being stressed with the lack of accomplishment.

Facing My Demons

vulnerabilityI never thought myself a bitter person; not until the other day.

I love to observe people; I’d almost call it a hobby of mine. People are so interesting to me because everyone has a story and the way people act or present themselves is a reflection of their story and where their life has taken them. There are times when I can see that there is someone running from something, not literally speaking, whether its running from the past, the present or the future. We are a fearful human race. We are scared when we can’t control our future and what tomorrow is going to look like. It’s moments like these that we have to be something that makes our knees weak, our lips tremble and our stomachs turn; we must become vulnerable.

To The Bullies and The Bullied

198356_191566024213362_1870708_nBullying. This word alone makes my stomach turn. I feel that right now more than ever we have people of all ages struggling with being bullied or being the bully. I was always aware of it because of my sweet and dear brother Tim. Tim lights up my world with his goofy laugh and lopsided smile. Tim was born with a lack of oxygen going to the left side of his brain due to his umbilical chord wrapped around his neck. He has a mixture of cerebral palsy and autism, has no speech and has a pretty big limp to his walk. However, his heart is the size of a basketball. He adores and loves people unconditionally. He is unable to hold a grudge against anyone. His heart is pure and yet the things he has gone through would have destroyed any other person. Tim has had caregivers in the past that have abused and taken advantage of him. Since he has no speech, the only time we can be aware of this is by his physical appearance or his attitude changing when we tell him who he is going to see. Tim is always excited to see people but when we say someone’s name and he shakes his head and becomes quiet we know something is wrong. My heart aches as I type these words. The thought of anybody touching or hurting my big brother raises up an unspeakable emotion in me. What sick, twisted person would bully a mentally disabled, innocent human being?

I Want A Broken Heart

heartAs I sat in front of my group of eleven beautiful junior high girls, I couldn’t help but smile with joy and pain at the eleven sets of eyes looking at me. There were some tears, some smiles, and some with no emotion to be seen. I began by saying, “so what’s on everyone’s mind?” Hesitation flooded the room. So Kaylee and I opened the floor.


Oh, Miley

mileyMiley seems to be the talk of the week with her performance on the VMA’s. In fact, I was appalled at Facebook and how many people shared their “reviews” on Miley for all to see. I was more embarrassed at everyone’s reaction to her than her actual performance. I remember the Hannah Montana days when she was this sweet, child star rising to fame. It’s only a matter of time until they all grow up; Selena Gomez, Justin Bieber, Taylor Swift, Dakota Fanning, Miley Cyrus; the list goes on. The one thing that stays true between all these child stars is that they go through all the same struggles and trials as any normal young adult! I work with young women on a regular basis and I was their age a number of years ago and I get it, I understand, but the problem is we should all understand it. A celebrity like Miley Cyrus is no different than another 20 year old girl trying to discover who she is in this world and where she belongs. Heck, when I was 20 years old, I’d say I was in the same spot as Miley right now. I didn’t know who I was and I went through a lot of messed up things in my life to finally find who I was. Miley is known all around the world and one thing I know we will never understand is the amount of pressure these young girls hold on their shoulders to please the world and the viewers, us. 

Don’t Get Too Comfortable

1010946_10151755615933690_1716060932_nI am going to pick on my dearest and oh so sweet husband of mine. The best part about being married is that you are allowed to pick on each other as long as you have a good heart about it. I love my husband dearly, he’s the best thing that has happened to me since I discovered coffee. We have several things in common, but to be honest we share one quality the most; we are very different. When people say opposites attract and you don’t believe them, think of me and Ryan because we are basically a living example of that. I am an extrovert and Ryan tends to be an introvert (until you get to know him). I love everything to do with traveling; Ryan likes traveling but gets impatient with the journey to a destination. There are many other things but you get the idea. We balance each other well. 

Strip Clubs

cupcakesI am sure I got your undivided attention with the title of this post. Your mind is most likely trying to figure out what I could possibly be writing on strip clubs and my words to you are that you probably won’t guess unless you already know what it is I have to do with strip clubs. It all started three years ago when I sat in at a student leadership meeting. I had quite the talkative stranger sit next to me at a table as we were about to dig in to the meeting. She began to tell me all about this strip club ministry and insisted I be a part of it. It turns out God not only called me into student ministries that night, but He was calling me into another ministry as well; a ministry that would challenge me, change me, and open my eyes to a whole new view.

An Overwhelming Encounter

coffeeI believe there are certain places around us where we can escape and leave our routine behind. There is almost a definite need for us to be able to escape from our daily lives and routine and refresh ourselves. It could be a short travel to a nearby city, for some it may be further or it could be a local cafe. For me, it is coffee shops and bookstores. There is something about the atmosphere that overwhelms my heart. I enjoy just sitting back and watching people take time out of their busy lives to stand in a line that is not always that quick and indulge in a delicious, hand crafted beverage. Then walk away and begin their day that could be the best day of their life, the worst or perhaps just another day. People intrigue me because everyone has a story waiting to be told and I always have an urge to walk up to people and ask them what is your story and how have you gotten to where you are right now I love people, but I mostly love watching and observing them in a non creepy way.

The Personality of Jesus

I am in this constant wrestle with myself on figuring out who exactly Jesus was as a person, the Son of God, and as a teacher. beautiful outlawSome carry on this argument that Jesus was simply just a good teacher whose teachings were interesting and decent. Some just say he was an ordinary man who did good deeds and some say He never existed. All these are fair arguments; I get every perspective and point of view because there have been many times people want to prove me wrong about who He actually was. However, to me, Jesus indeed is the Son of God and his time on earth should not be taken lightly, but if you truly read what the Word says about Jesus you will indeed find that He was actually a pretty humorous guy. Yes, Jesus did and still has quite the sense of humor.